I was like most people before the clock struck twelve on December 31st, 2009. I was hopeful and excited for 2010. I said “2010 is going to be MY year dammit.” Man, I was so fucking excited for this year.
Before I start this blog entry I should preface it with this: I know what I’m about to complain about is extremely miniscule in the grand scheme of things, but I need to vent. And vent is what I’m about to do.
In 2007 I moved to New York City. It was one of the worst and best experiences to ever happen to me. I won’t go into all the gory details, but I have been scarred by the two years I lived there. Scarred emotionally and haunted by some of the decisions I made. I would have never dreamed that come 2010, I would still be dealing with NYC shit.
Then today I got a phone call from New York State Unemployment telling me I had a court date next Monday. My old employers are taking me to court and there is a chance I might have to pay back that money I received OVER A FUCKING YEAR AGO. And it’s no small change - $3,000 to be exact. I asked the guy on the phone if my old employers had a lawyer. They do. Fuck. This is kind of serious.
You see, by the end of my employment with that job, they didn’t take one word I said seriously (I was young and lost). I filed for unemployment using them as my last employer. So when New York State was contacting them about me, they just brushed it off and ignored them. In turn, New York took it upon themselves and deemed me an “employee” and then paid me almost six months of unemployment. They then fined the shit out of my old employers for not having unemployment insurance.
If they just would have taken the time to tell New York that they didn’t consider me an employee, I wouldn’t be dealing with this shit today. I really didn’t intend on causing so much drama, not only for myself, but for my old employers.
All this just doesn’t mix well with A) being unemployed and out in California and B) my gentle psyche.
Oh yeah, I moved to California this year for a fresh start. I’ve had exactly ONE job and that only lasted two and a half months (gigs come to an end, unfortunately). I’ve been on ONE interview and I just got the rejection letter (I can’t think of what else to call it) in the mail today (it’s been a fuck of day!) I have never been out of work this long. This feels terrible. I feel like one of those people I hate who bitch about life. I never get serious over the internet, but I figured - why the fuck not? Maybe someone else out there who’s having a rough time will take comfort in knowing he or she isn’t alone. Not a by a long shot.
All that being said, I’m very thankful for the people I have in my life. I don’t know where I’d be without their continuous love and support.
I just often wonder - what the fuck am I doing? Is this going to be worth it one day? Will it seem like a stupid “problem” five years from now? Am I making the right choices now that I’m older and “wiser”? Is this where I’m meant to be and what I’m meant to do? My heart says yes, but life seems to be saying no.
I want to think that things will work out…but will they? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do? Am I aiming towards the right goal? Is this what I’m supposed to be doing? I’d like to think so…but is it?
I guess we’ll see. It just sucks when you’re 25 and still a bum.