Life is Absurd

animalsbeingdicks:

This position is known as the Inverted Lotus Flower. 

Dear My Life,

After spending the evening with my family and seeing the condition they’re all in, I have come to the conclusion that I am way too hard on you. I realize that all I ever do is bitch about what I don’t have and bitch about where I’m not professionally, personally, or piccadilly*

I blame myself for this, but I’m afraid it’s you, My Life, that gets the brunt of my disdain. I vow to change that starting tomorrow after I have some coffee and hopefully a somewhat satisfying B.M.

Not only am I apologizing to you, My Life, I’m going to make a list of all your positive attributes.

1) You got me to Los Angeles, a city I never want to leave or walk around the streets with bare feet.

2) You haven’t given me any children (I need to thank Brain for this too, but this isn’t about that neurotic bitch).

3) You’ve brought really, really great people into my life via mutual friends, networking events, the creepy ol’ internet, and yes, even high school.

4) Seriously, thanks for not giving me any fucking kids.

5) You’ve made me a fairly decent human being and I suppose that’s all I could ask for. And money. I’m asking for money.

So thanks, My Life. I’m sorry I’ve been such a bitch to you for so long. Please forgive me and send money.

*I just wanted to use a word that sounded and looked similar to the other two. Oh, partially probably would’ve looked better. Whatever. Words are dumb.

tracymarquez:

Every end of the year Twitter list of “who to follow” always includes every person we already follow. So I decided to take it upon myself to make a list of 140 underrated, super funny tweeters with less than 20,000 followers. Enjoy. Follow. Share. And don’t suck dick for money.

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